VI.

(content warning: depression, suicide, self medicating)

I awoke at the crack of ass. I lie underneath the fiberglass fish for an extra half hour after my eyes were open, wondering what the fuck this thing was all about. There was evidently a body of water nearby, a small flowing stream, and a kiosk telling me about the history of the sturgeon. I truly thanked this spot as I rolled up my sleeping bag. A roadside fiberglass statue is a good omen, This one was in good shape. In my heart I truly wish everyone had a giant fish statue to sleep under every night.

I was mostly in slow motion that morning. Taking the long way around, because at this point I really didn’t know how far I was from where I was headed. I ended up in green bay at the moment all the traffic lights turned green. I made it through the whole town in a breeze, even stopped to get gas and a donut. I thought very highly of green bay at the time. The Cheesehead in my soul loved to see the stadium, and how pretty the town was. It was a lush forest All the way up the peninsula.

Riding up the coast I noticed parks lining the shoreline. Simple playgrounds with a baseball field mostly, but I took note of one in particular. I didn’t stop or stay long. I did however stop and see the shoreline. I took a photograph with a disposable camera:

This picture is overlooking lake Michigan. Of course, I’m sure this is some well known park among the locals, but It was nice to finally see the shore after all that impromptu driving. I had finally seen something I had really wanted to see, Which was odd because this wasn’t really the intent of the scooter trip to begin with. I kept heading north east into Door county. Roadside markers about Jean Nicolet littered the waysides.


I was very distracted by my excitement. Truly at some of my highest moments of joy. I was on vacation, I really had no agenda, with my only destination in sight, I slowed down and took in the sights. Someone did come up to me about how Jesus Christ was telling him to approach me. I usually play along as Its not my place to truly question someone’s faith in the parking lot of a gas station. I wouldn’t say I was mean about it but I don’t think I was in the mood for existentialism, I was more trying to get a Dr pepper. I swayed the conversation to be about the other motorcycles around. “They are so big, they’re huge dude,” and then I’d laugh. It was easy to make it all about the scooter or the road, instead of talking about me.

Making it to sturgeon bay was huge. I was over the hill. I couldn’t stop smiling. I really didn’t have any plans, It was just a place on a map that I had always wanted to see for myself. It was cool, if not a little kitschy, But overlooking the water I saw a huge boat, And I wanted a better view. There was a park in a very private neighborhood, It seemed like a public park, but it seemed like the kinda neighborhood that doesn’t like the tourists around, So I didn’t stay. I circled around, I made way for a different park bench.

The summer camp job kinda put pause on most things. Its a lot of work, and I was far away. I hadn’t talked to some of my friends in a while. Being In a good mood, I called one of the boys. We bullshitted nearly an hour about what the summer thus far, and I was happy to hear from him. At the end of the call I asked him for directions to a place I could buy beer near me, as I presumed He could use google. I said my goodbyes, closed my flip phone, and picked up two cold tall boys from the nearby liquor store.

Having no agenda sometimes pays off because my expectations were so low I could have gotten beat up and had a good time. I had made it to Sturgeon bay, In all its glory. Sitting in the park I had scoped out with the tall boys, I sat nearly four hours enjoying the water. I always loved the great lakes, I thought they were beautiful in concept alone, just a big melted glacier. The sea birds were even around, with a mild nautical themes in the architecture.

It was the best place to put myself. A rocky shoreline is something I always found pretty, and that day I really needed it. I had made no plans, I saw something I always wanted, It was a stupid tourist trap on lake Michigan, but I had did it without stopping myself. I let myself live for a moment like I hadn’t ever before. All I did was stop and see everything on the side of the road, but really I finally found some peace, I had accomplished something, and I was having just so much fun.

I sat there and wondered why I wanted to kill myself so much; and after only 1200 miles on a Honda scooter I couldn’t come up with a good reason. I forgot all that pain. I forgot about the things I had felt guilty about, the mistakes I had made, forgot about all those things that eat you up. I didn’t care that I would rather of been born a woman. I didn’t care that I seemingly couldn’t hold onto friends closely. I forgot that I may be a disappointment to my family. I forgot about how much of a bully I was in high school. I put my whole being aside and wondered what the other side of the lake looks like. Staring at a gull of some sort wondering if its the kind of gull that stays or wanders, or if the tide ever changes on the lake. I sipped two full beers hoping to catch a buzz and nothing happened. I absolutely felt nothing and I was briefly disappointed. They were normal beers.

Putting words to this moment is nearly impossible. At this point I knew who I was, what I was. I had never been more proud of myself. My original plan on the scooter was to drive into the Canadian woods and disappear. I no longer wished for that. It wasn’t even a passing thought anymore. My plan was to drive a scooter until the wheels fell off it. I’d hit the highway, and they wouldn’t believe what they’re seeing. My plan was to live.

I debated getting more beers with myself and lasted until I made it to Green Bay Proper to stop. In the bathroom of the gas station this dude came in and started pounding on the door while I was taking a shit. I walked out and glared, and he points at me and yells at cashier,

“see you got junkies in the bathroom,” and I was offended.

I may or may not look deathly skinny and dirty, but I was honest to good just taking a shit. There was a gunshot shortly after I put my helmet on, I drove away down the highway I came from towards the Sturgeon. I couldn’t decide which version of green bay that I saw was the truth. The lush Midwestern fever dream, or the gunshot in the parking lot of the seven eleven.

I don’t believe I slept that night, I rode through the night to my friends house In La Crosse. It was day time by then, and I was in a good mood. My friend and I enjoyed each other’s company. I made no sign of my change in attitude, It was well contained. When anyone asked me about how Sturgeon bay was, I only told them, “I had a great time.” I did. I began to shop around at what to do with the rest of the summer. There were only a few weeks of the job, I’d rather focus on that than distract myself with travel plans, It was a slow hunger for the road over the next few weeks.

At a summer camp there is a job, a sought after job, that involves living at the camp and taking care of the place. Sometimes, this job is called the Ranger. It’s frankly a job I wanted and still want. The Ranger was about my age, the only one within a few years, and she had the job where she got to operate all the machinery. We became friends. Flirtatious me even thought I had a thing for her, Though short lived. She let me change the oil of my bike in the workshop, even had some of the right kind to spare. I’d help her out with stuff sometimes just for the sake of having someone to talk to. At the end of the year, she was the one I wanted to hang out with the most. Even if it meant getting wrangled to mow grass.

After all the fires were put out and awards were given out, It was approaching my time to hit the road. I still hadn’t made any plans. It was so easy to put off any of the post-season planning because I was just exhausted. I was up sun up to sun down doing shit for work, aside from the oil change, I almost forgot I was on the scooter. On my last day living at the camp, I packed up and headed to a friends house. I used the wifi for a few days planning what I wanted to do. I really was at a loss the first day or so. It eventually showed itself…

For some reason, I needed a destination. Aimless driving seemed pointless. If I was on a mission, If I had a goal, well it seemed all the more sound that I was disrupting the road at large to get there. I think I was too polite then, I had too much: “oh, I’m sorry” in me. I’d let it get to me that I was a nuisance, an exception, a burden. I really didn’t need justification to drive the scooter, but while digging for a good reason, I saw something cool. Quakecon. It was at a Convention center in Grapevine, Texas.

As a Kid I’d staying up late to play computer games. It was a refuge, a place of safety. I’d wait in chatroom’s for hours, “Do you wanna play?”or, “Is anyone in central time looking for a game?” Things like that, Its really where I learned to use the internet. Every year, enthusiasts of the game I cared about gather in Texas to play with each other. It was kind of a mythical destination, Who had the time? Who was that dedicated? who had the spare money, and will to go meet those fuckers who make you mad on the internet. I bought my ticket almost immediately. I had four days to get there. When my friend came home from work, I gave him the news. He gave me a computer mouse, said That it was gonna be so cool. He doesn’t know it, but his attitude in that moment really made me feel good. There was no question, He knew that I knew what I was doing. His words to me before leaving were not about the trip, He was more excited to hear about the destination. He didn’t question anything about it, It was nice to not be questioned.

I packed my things tightly, efficiently. I hit the post office and mailed home a bunch of useless shit I didn’t need anymore. I had a timeline. 1000 Miles in 4 days.La Crosse, WI to Grapevine, TX. It was looking to be an excellent leg of the trip. I said my goodbyes, and hit the road. I followed the Mississippi as far south as the route would take me. I took the East Side. I followed the coast of Iowa in its entirety. Lansing, Dubuque, Clinton, Davenport, Those towns had such charm to them. They had such a comfortable feeling about them. I think its the rust on the bridges or the red bricks that always make me love being in those River towns. Sometimes you’d have to stop and look across the river to see if you saw anything cool. Between Keokuk and Fort Madison you can see a Mormon Holy land. Out on the River you could catch a barge or two.

It was frankly, a full day of riding. Knowing the potential and limits of myself and bike, I knew how far I could make it. My best guess was that I’d end up sleeping somewhere in the middle of Missouri. Upon crossing the Missouri border, I immediately stopped to buy a carton of cigarettes. It was dark, I needed to start looking for a spot to sleep. The clouds rolled In and it began to feel dire.

It was unwise to drive into the night so late without a planned camp site. You only have a certain amount of time with a tent before someone calls the cops, so you have to maximize your time with it set up. When its like one in the morning, I don’t want to spend 15 minutes settings up a tent. I found what I assumed was a boat landing to a pond a dozen miles off the highway.

Setting up the tent, The bugs rolled in. I took no notice of anything, I wanted to be inside the tent asleep for at least a few hours.

I was awoken to questions outside my tent and demands for me to exit. I unzipped the tent, and I was right about being at a boat landing. I was wrong that It was secluded. Several houses were nearby, shrouded by trees. However, it was obvious I was in some kind of subdivision. The Police officer took one look at me and was laughing. He questioned why I was here, and i assured him:

“You know man I was riding all day, And I honestly thought this seemed like a good spot, but it was dark and I didn’t see any of this.”

I wasn’t lying, I knew I had no ground to stand on. The longer I stood there, the more houses seemed to appear. Of course someone called the police on me, this was a terrible spot to sleep. After all my documentation being checked, the cop let me go. I was an adorable 20 something white kid on a scooter, Of course I got away with it. He laughed and said there was a perfect place to sleep only a few miles down the highway. Wished me the best of luck, and told me to really watch for drunk drivers if I’m out at night.

It was a tame interaction with the cops. I knew I was in the wrong, He knew it. It was all forgivable because I moved on and didn’t start any shit. I’d lose this ability later, but at the time I was grateful for not getting any ticket. I saw the place he was talking about when I was leaving, it was an old church that was completely together, abandoned but still a functioning building. It would have been a great spot.

I cross Missouri the next day. I made it uninterrupted until Osage Beach. I thought it was funny that I had somehow hit a traffic jam in a city I’d never thought twice about until that day. It seemed like a tourist trap, I was hoping to stop and get gas, but I delayed it. The Sun seemed to setting and I wanted to make it farther. The Road construction condensed the lanes. I kept maybe a hundred people behind me at 38mph. At the first available spot to pull off, I watched the entirety of southwestern Missouri, flip me off as they drove by me.

In Joplin Missouri, I told this to some random guy at the gas station. He said the road rage was terrible out here, and the drunk drivers were awful. We smoked a joint out back. He said his name was Little Bear, or Christopher, “either was fine.” We discussed BMX and skateparks. I told him the sun was setting and I needed to go. I’m glad he didn’t try to talk to me about god, but its probably because I didn’t buy a donut that time.

I made into Oklahoma after dark. Luckily a State park was completely empty, and just inviting me to stay. I rolled up and took a shower believe it or not. It was such a humid night, It was so nice just to sit there and watch the lake at the park. Bernice State park, It was quite the spot.

Eastern Oklahoma Is mildly tourist trappy. It has the a lot of the demographic of like Hip old conservative woman. Like the kind that hate brown people, but smoke weed and talk about their essential oil’s energy level. For some reason I attracted about 5 of these woman, all of them in some kind of convertible. They’d approach me with the same opener, “you look like you’re traveling” or, “…you look like you’re on an adventure.” As funny as I thought it was, I did take notice of the similarity of them. I seemed to get singled out in ways I am not expecting. Weed was legalized in Oklahoma to some extent. These white woman All seemed to want to talk about how much they loved smoking weed, I was that role that day.

I do look Like someone who smokes. As soon as the word, “Colorado” comes out of my mouth, the topic switched to weed immediately. For many years it was like this, until other states legalized it. I’m glad I could be that for all those people. However, I was fucking ripped after all the vape pens. I stopped and ate chicken sandwiches from Ron’s house, twice. I hadn’t eaten a lot of fast food that summer, but that day I had too.

It was so hot in Oklahoma. There were thousands of turtles trying to cross the road, they didn’t need my help, but I tried my best to. I loved the landscape. Oklahoma was very different than the other plains states. It was a different color, It had a different feeling in the air. I don’t have anything bad to say about it. I did lose my road atlas at the state park. I had stopped into every gas station I could find using the road maps hanging on the racks near the register. I was being too frugal to buy one, I think I stole one eventually.

Within only a few hours of my destination, I had felt pretty good. Still stoned and hungry, as I approach the Texas Border, a Raincloud hangs over the highway in front of me.

It sucks to ride in the rain. The haze of the raindrops was on the horizon, despite it being a small cloud. It seemed like quite the downpour. I figured i’d wait it out, There was an exist that had a Dairy queen and a gas station. I got gas, and hit the dairy queen. The accent of the girl behind the counter was unbelievable. This girl had never left South east Oklahoma. The Twang alone was worth stop. I got a blizzard, Reece’s of course.

I ate it outside. The people inside all had clean collared polo shirts on and having a family dinner at the dairy queen. I wanted to see the rain roll in anyway. As I ate it, it started to pour, I was really happy for stopping. As I finish up the ice cream, a Lexus parks near me, two men exit. One goes in, the other approaches me.

“Looks like its going to rain huh?”

I laughed and looked around at the downpour surrounding us.

“yea i think so,”

He came up to me closer, under the awning. Showing me the weather on his phone. He got to asking me where I was from, I told him. We discussed marijuana and immigration. I could tell by the way this guy acted that He was going to try and sell me something. He begins to talk about some mild conspiracies, starting off on the incarceration rate. Which I was on his side, the penal system has many flaws. However, it got racist really fast. He wandered into talking about a 9th planet that only the Scandinavians know about that was in an, “elliptical” orbit around the sun so we couldn’t see it from earth.

At this point in my journey I have somehow become the backboard for the ideas of white guys in middle America who spend too much time on the internet, perhaps a skill or a curse. This much was expected, I let him go on, I wanted to hear what he really had to say. I sifted through his conspiracies as he continued about the world at large. His companion came out of the dairy queen to chat as well. They asked if i needed anything, i told them, “nahh”. He asked me:

“Would you say no to $20?”

Of course I laughed and said nah, and i took the twenty from him. After this moment of charity, they began. They invaded my personal space and began asking about my tattoos and if i believed in god. They asked if i had given myself to Jesus Christ.

In middle America, a popular sport is recruiting people into your religion. I knew that I was a tally mark on this man’s score card to get into heaven. I gave it to them. I let them convert me to Christianity in the dairy queen parking lot. Despite anything I said they guys were going to save me when they rolled up. We prayed together in the dairy queen parking lot, they had me repeat some shit saying that I give myself to Jesus Christ. The clean cut family from earlier crossed the parking lot as the rain stopped. The parents took one look at us and quickly rushed the kids into the mini van. I almost started laughing.

When we wrapped up they went to the nearby gas station, and honked at me as I was getting onto my bike. I got on the highway and laughed to myself, “wow I’m glad they didn’t want to kill me or anything,” and on the horizon I see ominous hazard lights flashing towards the right shoulder. I get closer and noticed its the Lexus from earlier, and the man was flagging me down! I was like, “Jesus Christ, what now,” as I contemplated dying on the side of the road right there. I couldn’t out run them.

I pulled over and the Lexus creeps up in the right lane, then pulls in front of me. The man comes out excited as fuck, saying,

“God spoke to me and told me to give you these canned goods!”

I told him I had no can opener. He assured me that he would pray for someone to bring me a can opener. I told him thank you, and gave him a hug. They blasted off, I didn’t see them again. I really chuckled to myself. I had sold my soul for twenty dollars in a Dairy queen parking lot. At the Texas border I stopped a wayside with a covered picnic table. I absolutely had to ditch the canned food that i couldn’t open. I didn’t know If i believed in good, but I knew that their god knew I liked peanut butter, so I kept the peanut butter. I slept on one of the tables, nobody gave me a hard time about it. The bathrooms were closed, but the windows were covered with slugs, and I appreciated their warm welcome. I stayed up a little wondering if those dudes would come track me down again. It was a comfortable sleep though, I was happy to have a warm Texas summer night for the first time.