VIII

The winter sucks. Its cold, dreary, not pleasant to be outside most of the time. For me, The winter is just a time to work a shitty job. I did that. I was a Grocer, the night shift. I spent most days exhausted from the overtime, showing up to work late, listening to my iPod for days at a time. It bogs me down like nothing else.

Being on the night crew isn’t as bad as it seems at first. Its quiet, not a lot of people shopping at those hours, and your coworkers are typically just as unsociable as you’d think. However, There’s usually a good reason people take night jobs.

Mine was more of a self loathing reason. In my head it made sense to work at night, because i was a creepy transvestite who talked too much. I believed I was treated as such. I’d attempt to be friendly with everyone. The unforeseen consequences of my self expression showed itself when everyone thought i was trying to fuck them. Nearly all the people I would attempt to talk to would assume I was sexually or romantically interested in them. They’d bring me in close and say, “I’m not interested in you.” So frequently, I have come to expect it.

The joke was really on them, frankly I am rarely interested in anyone in that capacity. Sure i say some raunchy or flirty things sometimes, mostly because it was fun, it was play, its just a way for me to turn a mundane conversation into something fun or something to remember. If i didn’t do this, I’d have trouble finding purpose to talk to anyone at all. I think most people remember me this way. Silly, Goofy, not someone to take seriously.

There was someone at that grocery store though. I had a crush, a rarity in my life. It was their laugh, it was warm, someone I wanted to help laugh more often. They person wasn’t there every day, in fact I never really spoke to them, it took me months to finally find the moment to ask what their name was. Perhaps it was the mystique of their random schedule. They’d seem to show up just as I was leaving. Nothing came of it that winter.

I’d try to spend free time doing things that were enjoyable. I was after all, living with a better outlook on life and myself. Reveling in life and energy, i took up playing table top games. It got me out of the house, and i got to talk to someone who hadn’t been unloading pallets of eggs every day for twenty years. The great part was that my town of Colorado Springs, loves games! We have plenty of places to play, so many other people looking for a game. I do not think its like this everywhere, but its something I appreciate about my home town, despite the fact I think Warhammer is only cool to sixteen year old boys. Too tired to do much else, id take a whole day off to paint miniatures.

Aside from saving money and killing time. The most important part was learning about my bike. The ruckus needed some love. The drive belt, the oil, the tires. I knew I had to do something in the realm of upkeep. While Reliable, it wasn’t invincible, as much as I wanted it to be. Along with the maintenance, my gear was old and tattered. My tent was kind of falling apart, and was before I left the first time. Since I was going to keep living, keep doing this, keep driving, I had to start looking out for my own well being, and that started with caring about my equipment.

A new Tent, new boots, new clothes. I didn’t splurge but I tracked down all those new things I needed. It was purely form factor. I got the smallest cooking stove I could find, it was a piece of shit but it was so small it fit in my mug. I needed to downsize everything.

Spring time came around. My winter slump dried up, and I was ready to do it again. I would go farther, I had the confidence and skills to go anywhere on my little scooter. My preparation was gear focused, I made no big lasting plans as to where I wanted to go. I still, just wanted to drive.

I fantasized about Canada in a different regard than I had before. Canada is a big place, but in my head, “Driving to Canada,” meant something specific. I had to change that meaning somehow, I had to go to Canada without hurting myself, I had to reclaim that somehow. I still didn’t make any real travel plans. I put in my two weeks, I’d leave at the end of April.